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| she had to get out of the house fast,
he was going to start charging rent next month
(and besides,
chicago has too much snow in the wintertime)
decided she would take us kids to
san diego, a city with names
in a language we didn't understand
where there is only
one season.
our new apartment;
blank walls and carpet oh
i've never lived in a place with carpet
afraid to touch,
and we've got no friends here.
(kids in our complex)
darlene was lovely, and i hated her
spoke spanish with her mother
brown skin always smelling like warm sweet
plump and quiet she was friend to me
but i thought she was too stupid.
when she ate breakfast at our table one time
my mother praised the way
she broke pieces off her sourdough bread
with her hands, while i ate it with my mouth
so i glared her smile away
and she looked down at her lap.
for my eighth birthday
she gave me a plush baby duck
its arms wide, its face expecting embrace
i never said thank you
they say one day her father raped her
maybe it was just a rumor
we were just kids don't know nothing
but anyways, i never got to see to her after that
darlene was lovely.
omar was the biggest one
of all us kids
we thought he was brave because
do you know, one time
to prove his love to stacey
he stood on the big rock at the edge of the complex
and took off his pants, baring his naked ass
to the I-15 below
this is a true story
every day
omar would be hollering and whooping
at my mother, following her to our door
mimics her broken english
give me back my five dollar!
give me back my five dollar!
and we laughed.
when my brother looked at him funny
he pushed him into the bushes
and my brother lay there for hours
this was nobody's fault
but anyways,
i suppose one day my mother got tired.
and so later we moved to
suburban community;
a real house.
if you scream in our cul-de-sac
the colors absorb the sound
we hang our laundry out to dry in our yard
until we get an official notice
unsightly the neighbors complain
penalty if you fail to comply
and the same if we don't mow the lawn,
or if the grass turns brown,
or if we don't trim the palm tree,
or if we don't pay our dues,
the neighbors don't invite us to their parties
we don't get along with their kids
'cause we're not cool enough
skin is too pale we don't play any sports
and besides, my mother doesn't drink beer anyway
i guess i always suspected
we didn't belong anywhere.
here? not here, home, this
isn't it. | | |
| so i'm going to stop using words for this week.
which means...i won't talk to people. exceptions will be made for if my
mom needs me to say something, or if i need to plan something with
someone, as well as singing.
as for the internet...on xanga maybe i'll post pictures or just not use
it. on aim...a friend suggested that i just don't sign on for the week.
but hm. i think i'll try using just emoticons and punctuation first
(haaah) and if it's not practical, then i'll just stop using aim for
the rest of the week. exceptions will be made for if i need to email
any professors and for working on poetry.
why am i doing this? to be honest, it's mainly curiousity. i wonder how
people might behave differently if i only listened, and didn't speak.
also i suppose i want to develop my communication skills. this could
help me to be more mindful or aware about the kinds of things i usually
say. perhaps having to depend on things like body language may make me
more sensitive to nonverbal communication as well.
also the internet fast was good...but i cheated. like, a lot. as in browsing random sites...mostly news actually...but it was supposed
to force me to spend time off the computer. instead i ended up just
constantly thinking about how i wasn't talking to any of my friends
online, and to be honest? it was kinda lonely. lame, i know.
so, this week may prove to be somewhat anticlimatic, since i won't have school or anything...but we shall see. (:
| | |
| what you think is good about me:
http://kevan.org/johari?name=ruyi
what you think is bad about me:
http://kevan.org/nohari?name=ruyi
now that i think about it, these probably have a useful purpose. people
should always be striving to change for the better, so it helps to know
what others honestly think about them (:
| | |
| when i walk in to 113B to see e____, she is sitting up on her bed
looking glorious. the nurse from the morning already put her makeup on
for her. her magenta lipstick has started to spread across her cheek,
and her eyeshadow has become two dark bruises on her face. this is one
of the most beautiful women i know.
i paint her nails today, first the toes, and then the feet. the same
magenta colors. she is reciting psalm twentythree to me. do you know,
cathy, she tells me, do you know what i have been learning lately?
mmno, tell me. i smile, start on the second coat.
well my daughter and her kids live up in ventura, and i applied to be
transferred to a home there, and i remember today i was thinking, what
does it mean if i don't get accepted? is it God's will that i stay in
san diego? and then i found out that indeed, i got rejected. i was
wondering, why is this, doesn't God want me to be able to see my
daughter and my grandkids more?
oh i'm sorry about that. do they still visit often though?
oh yes, yes, they visit, but not so much anymore - it's rather far. but
you know, my mother - she's 92 years old now - she comes in to visit me
twice a week. and my sister, too, she'll come in her wheelchair. and i
realized that God is wanting me to love all the people i get to see in
san diego right now. this is His will.
mm. do you want me to brush your hair?
sure, sweetie, it's in the top drawer, ah, the purple bag i think.
i turn around and reach for it. you know, e____, i think that's
something i've been learning lately as well. oh really? yeah, just
remembering that everything God is doing in my life is for a reason. i
guess i'm like you sometimes, i always feel like asking why. do you
want your bangs down?
yes, please. when i finish, i get some moist towels and start wiping
off her makeup. bright pink tissues. would you like me to do it again
for you? sure, sweetie. the lipsticks should be in the brown bag.
when i return with a soft-color lipgloss and lean over to apply, she
opens her lips carefully, tilting her head back and she watches the
ceiling. talks carefully with her mouth open, cathy do you have any
brothers or sisters?
oh, yeah, i do. i've got a brother. he's younger than me, i lie. oh
well that's nice. there's some eye makeup and blush in there too if you
can do that.
my pleasure. there is one brown browliner, i use it to trace her thick
gray eyebrows. there. do you want any blush? no thank you, i have quite
enough on already. laughs.
oh oh, did you do the eyes? around the eyes? oh, no, i didn't. i lean
in to apply. cathy can you read any scripture for me? i don't have my
bible with me though. oh dear. haven't seen it in six months now.
laughs.
hmm i think there's a copy in p____'s office. you want me to bring that over?
oh, that would be wonderful. oh, my nurse m____ has to change my diapers right now anyways.
alright then, i'll be back.
when i return i wait on the other side of the curtain, smiling at her
roommate. i'd talk to her more often but she's not with it, as the
nurses here say.
does the clock say seven? no, it's three thirty. but what's that seven?
one...two...three...four...mm. five, six, seven...ah. eight. nine...
she closes her eyes.
the nurse m____ is finishing up with the diaper. do you know any
scripture, m_____? oh yes, of course. in the beginning, god created the
heavens and the earth. genesis, one one, no? for God so loved the
world...He...gave everlasting life. john, right? i read the bible, i go
to church, you know? really? do you know cathy, she is going to read
the bible to me in a few minutes, she said she'd be right back. God
must have sent her.
i feel sheepish. her roommate has opened her eyes again. hello, blinks,
are you going out? oh. can you tell me what the clock says?
m____ comes out from behind the curtain and drops the wrapped-up diaper into the trash can, nods at me before leaving.
hey e____, i got the bible. oh let me see that. oh my, that is a
beautiful bible. from p____ you say? i like this one. did you know my
nurse m____ is a christian? i didn't know that. he goes to church and
he has a wife and two kids. God must have assigned him to be my
permanent nurse.
i smile. would you like me to read philippians for you? mm, that would
be nice. i keep thinking of that verse, you know that uh...mm...i can
do all things through Him who gives me strength. i think i need some
strength, you know? laughs. yeah the blood clot in my legs, it hurts, i
can barely turn over to get my diapers changed. i need to be able to
rejoice about being here, in san diego, in this bed, i need to
rejoice about the pain. do you know what i am saying?
i nod. let's find some other verses in philippians for you then, alright? okay.
it's the king james version, and i barely recognize it. how do you
pronounce yea? i substitute yes instead. why do they say timmotheus
instead of timothy? my throat hurts but i don't stop. i like spoken
word. i don't even need to write my own poetry, i think it'd be awesome
if i just read this aloud at some slam. every now and then she'll stop,
what verse what that, that was a good one. i get out the index card i
happened to be using as a bookmark in my bag and i write it down in big
letters for her. thank you sweetie.
after i finish she says cathy do you want to pray with me? takes my
hand and says God, bless her greatly for coming out of her busy day (i
am ashamed) to visit this place, thank you for allowing her to
fellowship with me (her hands are very soft), i pray that we will both
be able to rejoice in every circumstance (i should bring different
colors of nail polish for her next time)
thank you. i'll see you next week? that would be nice. i'm very
grateful for volunteers like you. you know cathy, today is a very good
day.
yes, it is.
and that is the most humbling thing, is when you are loved.
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